The Answers Are Floating In

photo credit: Eric     ...      Keeneland, paddock, a Friday evening.

Just do your work. And if the world needs your work it will come and get you. 
And if it doesn't, do your work anyway. 
You can have fantasies about having control over the world, 
but I know I can barely control my kitchen sink. That is the grace I'm given. 
Because when one can control things, one is limited to one's own vision.
. Kiki Smith

I have major deficits in confidence.

Not always. No, sometimes I walk with swagger and I am quite confident, actually.

I vision a thousand different outcomes for every decision I make. My relationship with Intuition is held together by thin, silver threads. I often wonder if my next move can be trusted.

I'm aware of how little time I really have these days. Everything has only a part of my attention. Dreams I once chased so feverishly are changing colors and I'm moving on. 

But I fight this. How can this be? What will they think? Am I failing myself? Am I failing you? Who am I?

He says, your struggle is very internal.

I'm somewhere between twirling spaghetti around my fork, focused on the intense flavor of the heirloom tomato that was tossed in, and nodding my head emphatically in agreement, because I know, I know, it's internal.

I fight so much of myself and need strong pushes in the direction that I want to go but can't say yes to.

I'll overcomplicate myself and then remember my favorite word, space, and the answers float into my lap.

So when I started to really pay attention to how I was feeling, frenetic and overwhelmed and blurry and disconnected, I knew it was time to move into a new way of being. I crave wild simplicity and spacious lust, but I don't do much to create an environment that calls this forth.

But, with a push from my people, I am shifting.

And so, there will be sabbaticals and quiet and getting grounded in front of the stove. There will be words and photographs and beauty showing up. There will be hot love and deep connections and afternoons by the pool. 

There will be letting go, there has to be letting go, to let in space.

Thank you Rachel for sharing Kiki's words with me this morning.