My Phobia of Small Talk

I am an introvert, with extroverted tendencies.

Large crowds drain me, too much social media makes me grouchy, and I have never been the girl that is everyone's friend. 

That last one is a tough one and I fight against it everyday, which means I'm fighting against my natural behavior, which means I am not truly embracing who I am.

I've been giving myself a hard time these days, telling myself that I need to be more outgoing, more chatty, more of something that is just not me. Especially as I start to meet more new people, which is a wonderful and scary evolution.

I love meeting new people, I really, truly do, but it's terrifying for me. When I have time to prepare, I can agonize over the details of how it's going to go. How will I introduce myself? What if we have nothing to say? What if I'm having a low energy day and can't keep up an interesting conversation?

I'm not a storyteller. I envy people who can walk into any social situation and immediately tell an interesting story that has everyone riveted. I do not talk with charisma, I'm a bumbler and, um, ahhhh, hhhhmmm, a word searcher.

I have a phobia of small talk. The kind of idle chit chat that takes place between two people who have just met and are working hard to prevent any awkward silences. I dread those moments and unless the other person is great at it, my energy depletes really quickly and I'm looking for any distraction that will take the pressure off.

I tend to lead conversations with questions. I'm a question asker, perpetually curious. And I fear that some people take this as being nosy, so I can hold back until I'm sure that it's safe.

I'm a deep conversationalist, lets get cozy and really get to know each other, shall we?

I've been telling myself I need to be different, that I need to be more extroverted. But I kinda love my introverted ways, and when I stay true to that, I feel less anxiety. It's certainly not the most popular choice and it's hardly going to get me noticed, especially during a time when I kinda want to be noticed.

So if you are reading this and we haven't yet met in person (and we just may one day), just be patient with me. After a few dates you'll learn that my eyes water when I laugh, that I mess up every idiom that exists, and I have really poor timing when it comes to punch lines.

And by then, it's likely we'll end up in a locked bathroom together, taking selfies in an impossible mirror and laughing our asses off.